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CLICK-BANG... ohwhatahang [May. 15th, 2004|02:33 am]
[mood |indifferentindifferent]

Oh Lord!

Can This Really Be The End?!?
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It's Only [May. 3rd, 2004|05:14 pm]
it's not a broken world
it's not as fucked up as you think it is
it's only what you see
it's only what you hear
it's only what you believe
it's only you
it's not gods fault
it's not religion
it's only what you see
it's only what you hear
it's only what you believe
it's only you
it's not your friends who fucked up your life
it's not the people around you
it's only you
it's not the drugs that messed you up and fucked you around
it's not the dealer for not caring
it's only you
it's not the bullet that killed you
it's not the gun it left
it's only you
it's not your family for not seeing it
it's not your relatives for not mourning
it's only you
it's not the world for swallowing you up
it's not the soil you sit in or the grave you're under
its only you and you alone
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(no subject) [Feb. 25th, 2004|09:18 pm]
[mood |depresseddepressed]
[music |modest mouse - talkin shit about a pretty sunset]

my gampy died today... for no fucking reason at all, becuase of a god damn surgery!


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a black and white world [Feb. 23rd, 2004|04:58 pm]
[mood |uncomfortableuncomfortable]
[music |modest mouse - talkin shit about a pretty sunset]

frantically trying to find trust in.... myself. all day things have felt weird to me, nothing feels normal at all. every now and then i would see things in black and white.... not really but thats what it felt like. i've felt emotionally hurt all day, although no body did anything to hurt me. Well actually, it started last night, i was in bed and i couldn't sleep, i felt like i was preparing for the worse day of my life, like some one would be dead when i woke up. Maybe that is why i have had such a strange feeling all day long, maybe i've been waiting for something aweful to happen. Mrs. Seward never told us to do an assignment which was due today, so i guess i got a 0, and i got a test back in which i got a C+ and a paper that i also got a C+ on and i have to rewrite a paper that apparently was too bad to grade.... this has never happened to me in english before, i've always done very well in that subject. I'm learning more and more about myself each day, maybe that has been the reason for my lack of focus in english. i realized a long time ago that i do something very strange, i've told a few people i believe but never really in detail. Everything that happens to me, every moment of my life, i veiw as a movie. sometimes my character changes and i'm not always the lead role, but my eyes move like a camera, i focus close on peoples faces and pan from person to person, or sometimes i focus more on a scene in its entirety (sp?) like i don't focus on one person but more so everyone that i can fit into the frame. and theres always music in my head to go with the emotions, a lot of the time not even actual songs but rather songs that i'm making up. and when i feel like i'm in a very trippy spot or even a very sad spot i move my eyes from place to place a lot slower. Now, i said all of this to make a little point. I think doing this increases the emotion of a situation inside of me, and rather shrugging off little things i get immensely sad and torn up inside, like today. i mean its not always bad because it can work the other way too, like when something feels good and fun and something rather uplifting is happening, i think i sometimes feel happier than i should. but yea, i think that might be why things were feeling strange and all black and white for me today.

i hope that made some sense.
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crazy experience of the day [Feb. 22nd, 2004|02:48 pm]
[mood |shockedshocked]
[music |jefferson airplane - white rabbit]

so i just had a wild thing happen to me:

so, i'm takin a shower and then i start to feel kinda sick, like i'm gonna pass out, and i start to get dizzy, so i decide to sit down so i don't fall and smash my head open. So i'm layin on the ground of the shower and i either fall asleep or pass out for a really long time. While sleeping i must have hit the lever that plugs the drain, cuz i wake up with a mouth full of water in a full tub and i'm choking and i start to freak out and i'm floppin all around and everything looks very grey and then in a panic i just roll out of the tub onto the bathroom floor, breathing very heavy and still kind of choking, then i shut off all the water and drained it, and just layed there.....
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rufus.... mmmmmmmm [Feb. 11th, 2004|05:03 pm]
[mood |happyhappy]
[music |Rufie - pretty things]

rufus.... o my god..... that is all i can say.... o my god.... oh wait excuse me, oh my rufus. he was great, witty and funny, and soooooo fricken talented! i was pretty damn close too, it was so nice, sooo wonderful. and the "caride" was great, lots and lots of fun.

Set List
1. L'Absence
2. 14th st
3. harvester
4. movies
5. gay messiah
6. go or go ahead
7. pretty things
8. art teacher (1st time doin it)
9. hallelujah
10. matinee idol
11. vibrate
12. natasha
13. greek song
14. want
15. 11:11
16. foolish love
(((commentary: got your books for school?
dont forget your hat
here comes the mailman
ewwww, taxes)))
17. i don't know what it is
18. dinner at eight
19. beautiful child
first encore
20. oh what a world
21. cigs and choc
second encore
22. liberty cabbage

everything else is goin along smoothly, em came over after school today which is a nice change....

spirit week is in the process, its alright, sucky at some points, our class is prolly in like 3rd i think, which isn't bad, the juniors and seniors are pretty hard to compete with at points, bombardment was fun, i had a good time with that one... well i hope our hallway turns out good, although i don't really like our theme, but oh well, not much i can do.

today, although it was "beach day" which i think sucks, i went as Hunter S. Thompson, and everybody that knows about him or has seen Fear And Loathing in Las Vegas told me i looked awesome and just like him. other people who didn't know thats who i was going as just told me i looked awesome.

so yea... rufus... my sweet lord
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you will believe in love [Feb. 5th, 2004|06:11 pm]
[mood |happyhappy]
[music |Rufie - april fools]

i haven't said anything in a while, thats because i don't have anything to talk about, i'm happy, feelin better.... all is well...... oh yea and one other thing RUFUS!!! MONDAY!!!
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man o man [Jan. 23rd, 2004|03:18 pm]
[mood |confusedconfused]
[music |The Proclaimers - I'm Gonna Be (500 miles)]

too many deaths, too much sadness.... this is really crappy.... the wake and funeral weren't too bad because i was with tons and tons of straight up italians and they were really loud and talking and laughing a lot so it kinda made it hard to be sad, which is actually kinda the way it should be, celebrate the persons life.... especially when they were 98 almost 99.

messy life... messy messy life... gotta figure out what i want.
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wow [Jan. 18th, 2004|12:11 pm]
[mood |cheerfulcheerful]
[music |rufie - 14th Street]

i haven't updated this in a lil while cuz of fricken exams and stuff, that week was pretty sucky, but it was pretty cool, we didn't have school on friday cuz it was too cold outside, but that means that tuesday i'll have band and chorus exams, which also means that i won't be able to go to my nana's wake and funeral which is sad cuz i really want to go.

She died yesterday.... she was my great grandmother, always seemed healthy as an ox, she was 98 almost 99, you could ask her if u could take a picture of her and she'd stop, flip her hair, put her hand on her hip and pose like she was doing a photo shoot at the age of 20. Its sad to see her go, but at the same time we shouldn't really be sad, we should celebrate her life because i could only wish to live as long as her and to have such a good life as she did.... i was ok when i was told the news the second i woke up yesterday morning, but later on i cried, i cried everytime i had to tell somebody, i had to tell my brother because he was in CT... that was the only time i didn't cry, i guess i felt like i had to be strong.... i dunno....

i saw the district concert yesterday which was pretty good, enjoyable to watch, and my friend katie did a wonderful job along with my other friend emily.

then i saw Big Fish..... wow..... wow wow wow..... that is an amazingly great film, i loved it, it really has a lot to do with believing and it intertwines fact and fiction very well and tim burton is an amazing director and shot this film like no other i have seen, this is just a real masterpiece, please, go and see Big Fish
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(no subject) [Jan. 12th, 2004|09:05 pm]
[mood |lonelylonely]
[music |The Clash - I'm So Bored With The U.S.A]

i cannot bring myself to study right now, i've been trying and trying but everytime i look at the book i feel like i'm going to vomit. that is not a good feeling at all.... And i really need to know this stuff if i'm not going to fail. My sister told me not to study because mr. G is a crazy man and his exams are impossible, but i did alright on them last year, and my brother always did good and he studied for them. Arggggg.... i just really don't wanna do this god damn stuff.

i'm feelin really lonely right now... i hate when i get like this, its the most god-aweful feeling. i just feel like there is nobody to talk to and nothing to do. Usually when i feel this way i play the drums but my mother would kill me if she knew i wasn't studying. I think i just need a really really really good friend to talk to.... i dunno if its that i don't have any or if that i don't know which one to pick....

jared was juggling a lot today, and he told me i should give it a try, so i have been and i'm decent for my first real try. I can get it goin for a lil bit, i just gotta practice a lot and i should get pretty good at the rate i'm goin.

i can't wait for my hat to come in and hopefully i can get those canes soon too.... i finally feel like i'm becoming me, and finding my identity and being able to express myself. I like it a lot.

oh well... back to trying to force myself to study.... fun fun.
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