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a black and white world - Dark Side of the Son [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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a black and white world [Feb. 23rd, 2004|04:58 pm]
[mood |uncomfortableuncomfortable]
[music |modest mouse - talkin shit about a pretty sunset]

frantically trying to find trust in.... myself. all day things have felt weird to me, nothing feels normal at all. every now and then i would see things in black and white.... not really but thats what it felt like. i've felt emotionally hurt all day, although no body did anything to hurt me. Well actually, it started last night, i was in bed and i couldn't sleep, i felt like i was preparing for the worse day of my life, like some one would be dead when i woke up. Maybe that is why i have had such a strange feeling all day long, maybe i've been waiting for something aweful to happen. Mrs. Seward never told us to do an assignment which was due today, so i guess i got a 0, and i got a test back in which i got a C+ and a paper that i also got a C+ on and i have to rewrite a paper that apparently was too bad to grade.... this has never happened to me in english before, i've always done very well in that subject. I'm learning more and more about myself each day, maybe that has been the reason for my lack of focus in english. i realized a long time ago that i do something very strange, i've told a few people i believe but never really in detail. Everything that happens to me, every moment of my life, i veiw as a movie. sometimes my character changes and i'm not always the lead role, but my eyes move like a camera, i focus close on peoples faces and pan from person to person, or sometimes i focus more on a scene in its entirety (sp?) like i don't focus on one person but more so everyone that i can fit into the frame. and theres always music in my head to go with the emotions, a lot of the time not even actual songs but rather songs that i'm making up. and when i feel like i'm in a very trippy spot or even a very sad spot i move my eyes from place to place a lot slower. Now, i said all of this to make a little point. I think doing this increases the emotion of a situation inside of me, and rather shrugging off little things i get immensely sad and torn up inside, like today. i mean its not always bad because it can work the other way too, like when something feels good and fun and something rather uplifting is happening, i think i sometimes feel happier than i should. but yea, i think that might be why things were feeling strange and all black and white for me today.

i hope that made some sense.